February 22, 2013
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Love
My early feelings regarding love were a bit confused. But that is not so usual, when we start going through adolescence. That is a time where arousal can come out of nowhere. “What the hell is this feeling! I’m not sure but I like it” That sort of love had a lot to do with who I married. With time my love for him changed for the better, it grew stronger, less hormonal, more comforting and far less me centered.
But now there are these maternal feelings. I like them as well, but I think I first started having them before I was even pregnant. During pregnancy they went crazy. I tended to adopt anyone who needed my help, and in one case I still feel as if she is mine. Even though my feelings with her must now be what a mother bird would feel as her babies fly away. That is what that bird would feel if she were me anyway. Real birds might not feel anything outside of relief . Yay I can eat all the worms now.
Back to using the bird as Paige metaphor … As my little bird takes wing “Stop do not leave me!!!!!” But I have such a strong feeling of pride, that she is leaving me because she can fly now. Bittersweet, sad, happy, I want it this way and am sad it is this way. I guess this is all training for my child as he grows. Because of learning about these feelings now, maybe I will cry less with Jack, but I doubt it. It will be like this with him as well probably much worse (better). Thank God that will be a very long time from now. Because I’m still not sure I like watching that bird fly and not look back as she is doing it. Oh but she is doing what I want her to do.All these odd feelings I could never have had at 14 years old. Back then love was ether my parents tending to me or it was sexual. Oh I used the word love all the time back then. But it was meaningless I did not know what it meant. I am not sure how many friends, I no longer know, who I said I loved and they said the same thing to me. Those were the unintentional lies of youth. Love was selfish then, but it seems to be almost selfless now (almost). It makes me do things I do not want to do (fly away little bird). Love is not always good for me now.
I hope that little bird grows and learns all this. I believe she is well on her way.
Comments (30)
I think of love the same way I think of the notion of a deity: once there is absolute, irrefutable, empirical, scientific evidence for its existence, THEN I’ll believe that it exists. As it is, there’s not and therefore doesn’t exist as far as I’m concerned. Never mind the fact I’ve never so-called “loved” another person in my life and it’s unlikely I ever will. It’s just not something I experience (and perhaps that’s just because I’m incapable of experiencing it).
There is probably an alternate explanation based in natural/biological science for the irrational feelings people refer to as “love” that has nothing to do with what they say it has to.
@secretbeerreporter - Is it logical to take such a strong stance on something that just might be very hard for you to feel. Have you ever seen anyone who is color blind ask someone to prove that the color green exists? They cant see it I would guess they should ask for proof that is exists. They do not ask because they know they are the only person around then who does not see it. I would think you are in the same position
@trunthepaige - Perhaps so, though color does have a scientific explanation, namely a transverse wave with a certain frequency that produces light in the color we label as “green.” Even if they can’t see the color, they can understand the notion of a transverse wave and the frequency of a given wave.
@secretbeerreporter - True but no one every asks that question
Thank you for sharing.
flying is a good reason never to clip the wings of a bird..
Hey, I like commenting on your page. I suppose you will not want to share much of your life knowing that I am one of your daily readers. I don’t know what love is to you, nor do I know how often you get aroused by other men/women, all I know is that you are faithful to your husband and there is trust between you. What I would like to know is how can a pretty woman such as yourself always manage to not yield to the temptation of being a sexual creature and just fool around once in a while.
Thing about letting your own little birds fly away,they make more little ones that you can SPOIL then and give them back when they start getting honory.
We had 4 fly away and now have 8 added that we can have over just about whenever we get lonely.It really isn’t a bad trade at all.Sad thing is so many couples don’t fight to endure the marriage struggles and raising kid struggles and they give up on their marriage,not realizing they are giving up on WAY more than their marriage.They are giving up on being able to enjoy the new hearts they grow with each grandchild and the joy of loving them when they have more time to share with them instead of dealing with all the day in and day out struggles of supporting a family.
My wife realized she loved me when she found out that she would do anything for me. It took me awhile to get to that point, but I agree. You know you love someone when you don’t mind going out of your way to accomplish tasks for the one you love. Or even if you do mind, you do it anyway for the other’s own sake. Not only is this how I love my wife, but it’s how I hope to love all I come in contact with.
@locomotiv - Yes it is
@RulerofMasons - That is the least of my temptations. Your problem with understanding this is that you have yet to know love and only know lust
@Grampy aka Somefishytales - I am looking forward to those days
@jmallory - That is a noble goal and very hard to do. Not everyone is easy to love
I like politics more than love. Politics can be a figment of my imagination.
But with love I have to do the unimaginable and get real.
One of your best posts Paige! I always like this kind of post from you.
as i close in on 50, i find that love, like so many other things in life has a spectrum so large that one cannot possibly imagine it at 14.
that you were able to describe your own view on something so rich and beautiful in your own unique way illustrates how this amazing, intimate connection with have with others is so broad, beautiful, and varied that each of us are but a brushstroke on a much greater canvas. each time we collide, our love colors mix and form something new.
Love? I soaked it in kerosene :p
@DougX831 - So you have a thing for Miranda Lambert I see. That is a great album and a great song
Agreed.
@Cares2theWind@datingish - Thank you so much You comment was a great read
@Such_are_you - These are the ones I do for me. I love that others like them because they are personal
@PlatotheSmurf - Real!!! that can be scary. Politics are easy really, no me in them its all impersonal
Love, work, money, heartbreak, sex, stress, responsibility; I sure thought I had that stuff figured out when I was 14 and now I laugh looking back. I wonder where I’ll be after another 10 years. Love becomes focused so much more about what you can give than what people give you. Lucky girl to have you looking out for her.
I’ve seen this phenomenon. I have three sons and went through one other time too, but we decided to split up. Its a little weird for the man in the situation. I had nothing like hormones ever in my life and even though I fully understand what you are saying and I’ve been through four month long trainings — I’d advise him to stick it out and let it take some hair from his head..
good writing, paige. this is how i want to remember you – softer than the hardcore stuff of the last several days. i hope the best for you and your little family.
@steph843 - lets not get starting taking about what I was like at, a 14 stupid girl I was.
@Composing_Life - this is me the real me the rest is just talk
@eshunt@revelife - Its sad guys lose hair
Great post, Paige.
Thank you for your courageous willingness to open your heart to share, and allowing people to discover that they are facing emotional hurdles in very many ways that we all must come to terms with in our lives, to greater or lesser degrees. You write beautifully because you have a beautiful heart and soul.That rare willingness to openly sanction the baring of one’s vulnerabilities is a mark of extaordinary character.
I respect and admire you now and always,
Michael
I’d like to experience this someday.
I don’t believe that love is an emotion. I believe it is a word we use to describe a combination of amplified emotions. Imagine it as a box that other emotions are thrown into, mixed up and then amplified to increase their strength. Which is why love feels different with different people and at different times in your life.
When it’s romantic it’s a combination of lust, happiness, excitement, a bit of jealousy and whatever else you throw in.
When it’s love for a child it’s a combination of happiness, sadness, a sense of responsibility, worry, hope, and a different kind of lust(cuteness lust) I don’t think there is a word in the English language for that. If there is it escapes me.
When it’s love for your parents or friends or pets it’s also a different combination of things. But in general I just don’t believe it is an emotion all by itself.
@roxics - I tend to agree with you…The Greeks had a lot of words for what we call love. And they did not have enough. We are just hopeless trying to describe what we feel with just that one word
I want my love to evolve into a mature one like yours instead of loving whoever can give me cupcakes and presents.
@ShimmerBodyCream - But cupcakes are so yummy
they are worthy of my lust
With one of the birds from my nest flying already, I know how much love and pride, then wishing the time had gone slower…He was ready and now I stand back and watch him soar. I have two more that are tending to their wings as young teens and my heart knows it won’t be long. (pats heart, and points to you)
@Jaynebug - That is the goal, to leave. Sort of sad but not leaving is really sad. Thank you
@trunthepaige - You said it, right there. I love watching their future unfold.