April 5, 2013
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Balancing on the edge
______________________________________________________Once I wrote that the worst advice you would every hear was to “follow your heart”. There was much talk in the comments of a balance in your life. You need to care for yourself as well. Doing what you want to do is not inherently a bad thing.
I can’t say I disagree with that idea, but I have never even seen a life so lived for others, that they lost themselves. Not doing what you want to do with your life, because you are so into helping others.Is that really so wide spread a practice that we need to worry about it?
Or is telling someone to “follow their heart” about like saying. “Drink when you are thirsty”, or “breath when you need air”. Not that the advice is bad, so much as it is unneeded 99.9% of the time.
Do we really need to be telling people, that they need to be more self centered?
In the comments in that other entry, we talked of a need to love yourself and all that. Maybe I have been living in the twilight zone, but I see a lot of self-centered living out there. Self-centered lives are the norm. I see very little selflessness out in the world. Where is anyone seeing this extreme selflessness that so many are so worried about? There was Mother Theresa but her type is rare to say the least. Oh and would anyone say she lived a bad life?
Be honest with yourself, do you really need to be more self-centered than you already are? Do any of us need to stop thinking so much of others?Are we spending to much of our hearts and souls on things like charity, duty, and honor?
Comments (48)
I think it depends on how you take “follow your heart.” Too often follow your heart means “follow your emotions”, or “follow what feels good.” I think follow your heart is good advice if you take it to mean do what you are passionate about, or do what you think is right.
self-love doesn’t mean that it always goes to the extreme of narcissism. In fact, most cases of narcissism are a result of a lack of proper self-love.
I truly believe that proper self-love can lead to a proper, more healthy love of others instead of a co-dependent or abusive relationships that are often a result of not having decent self-esteem and a lack of caring for our internal needs.
Also, following one’s heart can be a bad idea, depending on the person but I don’t see how that correlates with someone loving themselves because sometimes loving yourself means that you’re going to do what’s right, not what feels good at the moment
@ShimmerBodyCream - @kuai_le1011 -
I just do not see a lot of signs that our cultures is being overrun with selflessness. Do we really need to worry that people will not think of themselves? I see a terribly selfish world, altruism is not a major issue. Even when someone calls for altruism, they are almost always saying others need to be more altruistic.
I do not think we can ever really hold out our hand enough to help others but it has to be to people who want a hand up and not someone who is just scamming if that makes sense.
We have t have enough energy to take care of us and our families. Same with finances-we have to make sure our butts are covered before we can help others. Oh man that sounds self centered and I don”t mean for it to be.
I do not feel like I need to be telling people anything and if I followed my heart I would be spending my golden years in an area of the country where there was a lot more sunshine and no people<:)
Have a good rest of the week.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
I think following your heart can be the worst decision you could possibly make. And today, where everyone thinks they are a slave to their emotions, most people cannot conceive of this notion.
@trunthepaige - I guess that depends on which culture you’re describing. The current media culture for children is perpetuating a terribly unrealistic culture where everyone is a star. That worries me a lot but that doesn’t have anything to do with proper self love.
Because the idea that “I’m a perfect princess” is a far cry from, “I’m imperfect and I appreciate my uniqueness.” When someone is told their perfect, they become inflated and when that bubble pops in real life, they become bitter and angry when no one realizes how “amazing” they are.
I think I know what you’re getting at but when I speak of proper self-love, I’m talking about the kind of self care that consists of inner reflection that is based on honesty and personal strength. Almost anyone who has gone through AA realizes that not properly focusing on our spiritual selves and on fulfilling our needs in healthy ways, a hole is created.
Our American society as a whole spends too much time “doing what you want”, I mean it’s all that encouraged by the media. It’s all about getting what you want and getting it as fast as you can.
Can you ever spend too much time or too much of your heart on charity, duty, and honor? Personally, I don’t think so. I know I probably don’t spend enough time being selfless. Gonna change that for sure.
it’s been said that you need to love yourself before you can love others.
I always hate hearing that. Show me someone who thinks they don’t love themselves, and I’ll ask them when the last time was that they chose a food that was tasty to them, or a shirt they thought looked good on them, or when they bothered to take a bath.
We love ourselves just fine.
But worse than that, loving yourself is the easiest thing in the world to do. It takes very little investment, as you have nothing to risk in doing so. There’s no fear that you will break your own heart, or that you’ll be rejected by yourself. You don’t have to worry about whether an act of self-love will be received, and appreciated. Loving yourself is equally an excuse to be lazy, and a cheap defense for being closed off (if you can blame yourself as not loving yourself, it’s an excuse to not love others).
Are there people with genuine self-esteem issues? Of course there are. But we’ve turned mole hills into mountains with how we’ve reacted to, and defined these problems. In telling people who “hate” themselves that they only need to ‘love themselves’ more, that they need to “believe in themselves” more, we’ve created a monster. An unquantifiable goal for them, as a solution to their problems, that they actually can never achieve… we love ourselves just fine. But when they “fail” to love themselves to whatever subjective standard they think they ought, when nothing ever gets “better” for them, they’re inclined to just beat themselves up more… a cycle that never stops, and for which our next response is pharmaceuticals.
No, we don’t need to love ourselves more. We don’t need guidance to follow our hearts. We don’t need to be more self-centered… and sorry Ayn Rand, this is where I disagree with you (in a nuanced degree), we don’t need to be more selfish. We need to be more careful with our definition of selfish, as it pertains to doing what benefits us most.
…being a little more concerned with our neighbor than we are.
…oops. Not a single joke in that comment. I was serious the whole way through. Dang, what’s happening to me?
@Ghillies_guide - You are forgiven
@mtngirlsouth - I struggle with that verse, because the Bible also says that if we delight ourselves in God, He will give us the desires of our heart. So how do you know when your heart is being deceitful, and when it’s not?
@AngelAsh_86 - You do not. That is why we are told not to trust it. Not to rely on it
@AngelAsh_86 - I like what @trunthepaige - – said. Once you experience a real life shattering kind of broken heart because it led you wrong, you can understand the full meaning of that verse.
@Ghillies_guide - Being gluttonous, eating good food has nothing to do with love. It has to do with desire. Fulfilling our desires is not the same as self-love. It’s easy to fill our wants and to be immediately gratified. That has nothing to do with mentally and emotionally feeding ourselves. So many people have everything they could want and yet feel like they are still in a desert emotionally, alone, unhappy.
@kuai_le1011 - It’s interesting that you equate “eating a food that’s tasty to you” with being gluttonous.
There’s not an inherent synonymity in the two.
Is it not love, but desire? Perhaps. But the fulfilling of the desire is based in self-love. I’m not arguing that it’s the fullness of self-love, but it’s evidence that “self-love” isn’t as big a problem as we’ve made it out to be.
The two most important commandments are love you God with all your heart and the second love your neighbor as yourself.(I don’t think people realize the loving your neighbor as yourself part and just what it entails) If those two commandments alone were obeyed without every failing,there would be no need for any other rules,laws OR commands.
Brings to mind Albert Swietzer and the concept of magnanimity. The more selfless we seem to be the larger our souls are. And love is interpreted so many ways. I do believe the better care one takes of themself the more one is capable of doing for others.
@Ghillies_guide - the comma there was meant as an “or”but I don’t want to deviate from my point.
Fulfilling of one’s desire can be selfish or based on self-love but usually when we’re talking about desires, we are talking about things that are not necessary for our well being and survival. Otherwise, the word “need” would be used in it’s stead. I firmly believe that we all need to have a certain degree of self-love. Of self-preservation in which we do take care of our minds, our souls, our bodies. That is a necessity. The thoughts we feed ourselves(whether based on our own observations or what other people tell us) will become a reel that is played in our mind over and over and over eventually becoming engrained within us.
Think about the thoughts you have concerning yourself…are they productive to you as a person? Are there lies that you tell yourself based on your worth or value (I’m not attacking you)? Proper self-love is the challenge of thoughts both egotistical or self deprecating. As a result, there will be a balance in the way you think about yourself. It will also affect the way you think of others because the thought process you have learned to apply to yourself will then be applied to others.
It’s odd to me that it a widely accepted truth that judgmental people often judge themselves the hardest and the same with bitter people but yet when someone brings up that those who properly love themselves will be able to love others (the same goes with respect and kindness), there is so much resistance to the idea…
@kuai_le1011 -
” I firmly believe that we all need to have a certain degree of self-love. Of self-preservation in which we do take care of our minds, our souls, our bodies. That is a necessity”
I didn’t negate this in my comment. The issue is with the degree of self-love that we’re told we need to have, and it is, in my opinion, higher than is actually necessary.
Being overly judgmental is just as damaging as being too self-loving.
@kuai_le1011 - Edit: being overly judgmental is just as damaging as being too self-loving, or feeling like you need to be more self-loving.
@Ghillies_guide - I think where I see a difference is that there is no such thing as being too self-loving, when it is a proper self-love. It’s very pursuance is a preventative measure against an imbalance but maybe I’m just getting caught up in terminology.
The best metaphor I can find is with Star Wars. When a Jedi is in line with the force, he can’t be “too much” in line. He either is or he isn’t. Same with proper self love. AAAaaand now I bow out because when arguments are reduced to star wars, it’s time to stop.
and I know the force is not real so it might just invalidate my point, but it was the best way I could find to describe it.
@kuai_le1011 - The issue, or perhaps more accurately my issue isn’t an issue of being too self-loving. It’s a matter of a culture that cripples you if you’re not self-loving “enough” whether in reality or perception, as well as the degree to which we elevate the pursuit of self-love above any and all other endeavors, including but not limited to the loving of others.
Thank you for the discussion.
@kuai_le1011 - Ah, damned nuances. “…of being too self-loving *in an appropriate way”
Paige, I can’t edit my comments. I don’t like your page anymore :p
@Ghillies_guide - I see your point.
Nobody cares what I think. I’m not saying that because I don’t love myself enough, I’m saying that because I am not smart enough to make valid points or say something of value. When you are worth nothing, and noone cares about your opinion, then perhaps you may understand the pain I feel.
@Ghillies_guide - I agree with you!!!???…there’s a first and a last.
That photo is a cliff hanger!
I’m far from selfless but I find the whole Cult of Self Love utterly despicable. I blame the Psychiatric Community which has taught the last couple of generations to blame their mothers for all their problems (rather than encouraging them to fix them); to demand empathy and compassion from others while showing them none; that they need to forgive themselves rather than seeking forgiveness from those they screwed-over; and that respect for their feelings ranks above all else. Is it any wonder they’re all chronically depressed? It must be a real bummer when you spend all of your time thinking of yourself and refllecting on how others aren’t meeting your needs and how you rarely seem to get what you want when you want it.
Like some already said/implied/suggested on this subject, it’s in your perception of the phrase. There’s healthy life choices and self-image…and then there’s narcissism. Two extremes lol.
Personally “follow your heart” means to me, following my instincts on my life goals. Not “pursue whatever feels really good”, not “what’s best for ME”…but what’s “right” and “good to accomplish”.
Which has been “how to be a good friend”, “how to achieve NOT being homeless”, “how to be the best employee”…and so on, since I tend to be intuitive anyway.
Though I have been accused of being too kind, I don’t believe that it’s ever a bad thing to spend alot of ourselves on charity, duty, and honor.
the heart is devious. of course, it’s fallen too. it needs a blacksmith to beat it in the furnace to straighten it out. gotta get the Holy Spirit into it, and then learn how to differentiate the movements of the Holy Spirit from the insatiable cravings of one’s own. Be still and listen. meditation techniques are good, even oriental ones that quiet the raving beast.
self-love and self-centeredness are two different things. i’m sufficiently self-centered… but when it comes to self-love, i’m seriously lacking. very frequently, i think that everyone around me would be remarkably better off if i were to die. i also tend to deny myself comforts and benefits because i feel i do not deserve them like others do. when someone tells me they love me, i usually don’t believe them. not because they’ve proven themselves untrustworthy, but because i have issues with the idea that i am a creature worthy of love.
like others have said, i don’t believe it’s a concept you can grasp until you have been there yourself.
There are bold folks who study things and go the extra step in faith because they find that studying something can only go so far.
There are experienced folks who get hurt and stop too early. I can’t blame them for being cautious and it is a very hard uphill battle to convince them to continue.
My brother wants to stop going out of his way for folks because he has gotten burned by helping folks. BUT he continues to help at times because there are a lot of needy people out there that need help and cannot do things by themselves.
Helping others has its hidden benefits. For example when bosses pay their employees better, bit indirectly helps employee morale. When employees take a paycut it also indirectly encourages the boss that they want to continue to help the company succeed. There is never any real guarantee that any sacrifice is rewarded but consider that that the odds are way better than some risks that people take in gambling.
@kuai_le1011 - The “Force ” is a combination of coincidences and odds. However humans like some women have great intuition that is a combination of reading body language and other signs. Sometimes though a third party could see why something happens even though the answer is right in front of us.
@flapper_femme_fatale - But I think you can see where saying you need to do what you want to do, is not needed advice. You are motived to do what pleases you, even if you are not doing it. Often if you want a feeling of self fulfillment, follow your heart is terrible advice.
And its bullshit anyone would be better off with you dead. You have people who love you, and they would be seriously hurt if you were gone. But you know this already. Its just a feeling of worthlessness you cant shake. I might understand. But only you really know your own mind
@PPhilip - That was an interesting take on this, thank you
@MyFreedomWings - We agree that its all a balance (my title) it just takes very little push to get someone to do what they want to do. While do your duty is a harder sell
@RulerofMasons - You are but you limit yourself and your strong talents do not show themselves in this format
@Ghillies_guide - I love this layout but if anyone needs the ability to edit their comments its me. But I still love this layout
Oh it’s great, just giving you a hard time
I agree that there are a lot of selfish people out there, and I can be plenty selfish at times… but for me, someone who tends to be a bit of a pushover, “follow your heart” means not doing things simply because it’s what others think you should do. To me, “follow your heart” is similar to the expression, “to thine own self be true.” I don’t think it necessarily means “don’t be charitable” or “put yourself above others,” but rather to stand up for your beliefs and live the life that is most meaningful to you. I certainly see people using it in other contexts, and people probably justify a lot of selfish behavior using this advice, but I don’t think that the advice itself is bad.
@flapper_femme_fatale -
[ i also tend to deny myself comforts and benefits because i feel i do not deserve them like others do. ]
Why do others deserve them and you don’t?
I think it is going to depend on how you define following your heart. Like Shimmer said, follow your heart means a lot of things to different people. I don’t equate it with being selfish, even though it may lead to selfishness. I equate following your heart with allowing your decisions to be lead by your emotions instead of logic. I think part of the reason the world is the way it is has to do with the fact that so many people are so selfish that they put themselves first all of the time. They are happy so long as they are comfortable and feel no need to move out of their comfort zones to think about how other people may feel, may be doing, or that other people are suffering. I think a lot of people, including myself, can certainly do more for others and not just for the benefits one gets from being kind to another person.
The mini is just to help you out with credits.
@Erika_Steele - Thank you that made a nice difference
@musterion99 -
here’s a great example: last week, i left work early because i didn’t feel well. now… most people at my job wouldn’t think twice about calling off if they were ill. my boss has left work for little more than a headache. i waited until i was dry heaving and unable to stand. and even then, i just went outside and napped in my car for like 2 hours, and then came back.
unlike others, i don’t feel that me being sick is a reason to miss work and be unproductive/lose money. i don’t care enough about my well-being to give myself time to recuperate. compare that to how i treat others, and i’m far less generous and compassionate with myself than would be if someone else got sick. i would expect others to hold it against me, even though i wouldn’t hold it against them.
@flapper_femme_fatale - Why do you think you’re like that? That you’re not compassionate with yourself?
@musterion99 -
it could be a few things. i worry about what others will think. i feel like if i go the extra mile, i’ll be more loved and wanted. i feel like taking that time would be a sign of weakness that i’m not interested in letting others see.
@flapper_femme_fatale - Well there needs to be a healthy balance of the two, where you help others but don’t neglect yourself. I hope you can find that balance one day.